My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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