no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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