evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
