i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
