I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
