She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
