4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
