I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
