we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
