I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
