the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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