apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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