the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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