did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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