Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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