I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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