I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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