She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
