why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
