new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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