Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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