No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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