She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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