I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
