I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
