i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
