you traded sex for a burrito?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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