pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
