my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
