He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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