By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
