I have demons in me.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
