The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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