I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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