It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
