well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
