Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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