Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
