when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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