Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
