How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
