you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
