Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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