cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
