This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
