someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
