Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I checked into jail on foursquare
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
