His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
