I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
