I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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