Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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