MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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